Beyond Place Settings and Receiving Lines: Ten Things the Commander's Wife Wishes She Could Tell You

My favorite quote from the book "Well- Behaved Women Seldom Make History" by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
This sign sits in my home office.

Part One of a Two Part Series...
Several years ago I was asked to give a protocol presentation to a coffee group. Since there is more written about protocol than you can discuss in 10 years I decided to take a different approach. I asked all of my friends who were spouses of brigade and division commanders, other senior officers, and senior NCOs ... if they could give one piece of social advice to the spouses in their unit, what would it be? This is the result. I have briefed this many times and, believe it or not, I have spouses who want to argue some of the points. 
You would think this would be common sense but you'd be surprised!
At any rate, agree or not, these are the results of my poll and I will say that I concur with them all.  I love the saying above and I do believe that it is possible to be "well-behaved" and express yourself creatively. 

 10.  ALCOHOL...please watch the consumption of it. Nothing is as uncomfortable at an official social event as an intoxicated spouse (or Soldier).  There is nothing pretty about a drunk...and it will be remembered and these days most likely photographed and posted on all sorts of social media.  That will follow you, and your spouse's career, forever.

9.  SOCIAL MEDIA and GOSSIP...my dear friend Gina always says, "As an Army spouse there are things you want to say and things you get to say." Figure out which is which and be very careful about what you post, text, tweet, pin, tag...ect.  "Water and words are easy to pour but impossible to recover", goes the old proverb. Gossip of any type should never be tolerated by any of us or the spouses in our units.  We can never know the road someone walked to bring them where they are in life, it's not for us to judge, and certainly not for us to broadcast on any type of social media.

8.  STAY IN YOUR LANE....spouses do not hold rank. (unless of course they do, then that's another list!) Admittedly, the Army asks much of spouses because of their Soldier's rank or job but under no circumstances do spouses have authority over military personnel...EVER. 
We can, and should, form a working relationship with our Soldier's personal staff and/or rear detachment but our relationship should be one of cooperation and respect. These Soldiers (and their spouses) are never under our command nor should they ever be threatened or warned as if they were. Along the same note, while it is wonderful to be proud of our spouses it is equally as wonderful to be humble. Talking about rank, evaluations, rates of promotion, or "who you know" is distasteful.

7.  COFFEE GROUPS...If your unit has a coffee group and you participate you really should take a turn hosting.  If you're not comfortable hosting in your home it is certainly acceptable to make arrangements at a restaurant or other venue. (Or outside under that beautiful chandelier!) However, since you are the hostess for this event you should provide something for the group. A round of drinks, appetizers, small favors, something that puts your signature on the event, just as if you had opened your quarters.  Everyone will be so appreciative, especially the commander's spouse!

6. CHILDREN...the generally accepted rule is that children over the age of 6 months should not attend social functions that do not specifically state that children are welcome. 
Never bring children of any age to a formal. Never bring children to evening events such as Hail and Farewells or coffees unless they have been deemed acceptable for families. Not all events are appropriate for children! 
Never ask to bring children to a unit social function, especially in someone's home. This puts the hostess in an awkward position.  If no sitter can be found it's best to make your regrets with an explanation. This gives the hostess the opportunity to invite your children or to let you know that she looks forward to seeing you at another event.  

Well, this does it for Part One! If you're interested in more on Quarters One you can follow us at www.facebook.com/QuartersOne
'Til next time...
Duty First!

Buon Apetito!

On the patio we have 4 green umbrellas and 1 Big Red One, pun intended!

Buon Apetito... Italian for "Have a good meal"!
 One thing Quarters One has plenty of is dining space.  If the weather is just right we can easily seat almost 50 guests inside and out.  From the back patio and front porch that seats 28, to the dining room table that can (but never will while we're in residence) seat 24, to the sweet sunroom that looks like a spot from an Italian cafe and seats 4.
Now would we? That's a different question! When we were dining officially, we once sat 18 in the formal dining room and we decided that was just a few too many to be comfortable.

Set for an official dinner with china and linens that belong to Quarters One. Often,  flowers are paid for but in most cases I like to do them myself.

This stunning chandelier, belonging to Q1, is called a Maria Theresa chandelier. Maria Theresa, from the Hapsburg family of Austria,  was the mother of  Marie Antoinette. Because she was so fond of the crystal encapsulated chandelier they became known by her name. There are two smaller versions in the hall and foyer. This chandelier is not original to the house, it's only found residence here within the past 8 years.

The dining room table that belongs to Q1 is actually 2 tables fashioned together. The walls are painted in Sherwin William's "Butternut".

Being the 1ID Commander also comes with the responsibilities as post commander of Fort Riley.  Typically, the highest ranking general officer on post also holds the title of senior mission commander or post commander (different from the garrison commander).  Several other division commands in the Army are the same.  With the title comes many obligations for entertaining and there are rules governing formal entertaining.  Fortunately, there is also a little funding that is provided but those funds do not apply to Quarters One currently so any entertaining done here is out of pocket and strictly by choice.
 Here are some photos of the "eating spaces" at Quarters One!

The breakfast room, added to the house circa 1935,  I love the exterior walls, it's just like sitting at an Italian  cafe.  The walls in this room are painted in Cobble Brown by Sherwin Williams.

One of the 2 tables on the front porch!

Game table cleared and ready for diners!

Another view of the patio

Our menu was pretty wide open when Bill was here but now that it's just me I really prefer meals that can be done in advance so I can still enjoy my guests.  When we have a big crowd, the Victory Group Ladies make the best team as we all get together and put on pretty amazing events.  We also love The Blue Egg, a catering business owned and operated by one of our very own BRO spouses!

There are several china sets stored at Quarters One, this one is my very favorite.

If you like to see more before and after photos of the dining spaces at Quarters One (and a few vintage shots too) visit us on Facebook! 

www.facebook.com/QuartersOne

'Til next time...

Duty First!

Salad Bar Social

"Some of the nicest as well as liveliest parties I have ever attended were in cramped little quarters that were made gay and brilliant with loving attention and pleasant talk. The raw material of a successful party, never forget, is neither food nor drink-it's the people."  
The Army Wife by Nancy Shea (1948)

I love this rustic rooster that stands guard in our breakfast room!

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a little bit of a control freak when it comes to entertaining...surprise! (ok, maybe more than just entertaining) I don't think I'm the best cook, decorator, or hostess, by any means. I'm surrounded by friends and neighbors who do a much better job than I do. But, in my own space I like to control it all and make my self a little crazy... eek!

I have borrowed these jars from Frances numerous times and they've held everything from salad to vodka punch!

Recently, we hosted a "Salad Bar Social" at Quarters One for our 1ID commanders' and CSMs' spouses. I provided the salad and dressings and I asked (gasp!!) that everyone bring their favorite salad topping.  Of course, the control freak part of me went out and bought tons of toppings just in case we ended up with 30 bowls of black olives!  Needless to say, we did not end up with 30 bowls of black olives, in fact, we didn't have one duplication. 

Dressing looks much prettier in vintage jars!

The finished table...it was light and perfect for summer!

We entertain often at Quarters One.  At our level in the Army I believe it is my place to take care of those who are directly taking care of our Soldiers and their families.  It's not my business to be "in" the business of brigades, battalions, and 03 level commands, unless I'm asked for advice or to intervene. (Been there, done that) Brigade and battalion level command spouses have a tough job, if they choose to take on the role. I see my role as a supporting one for them and their amazing sacrifices and selfless service to those in their respective units.  

We had a simple bar with red and white wine, water,  sweet tea and, of course, vodka...  We also had a fabulous dessert bar, thanks to Frances who brought an amazing banana pudding that fed us all!
Thanks, Tracy, for my "Drink Me" bottle opener!

Anytime I can entertain at Quarters One to thank someone or a group of people I love to do so. Bill and I both feel strongly about that. So, to our wonderful spouses... Thank you!! You have our gratitude and, I try to say this often, please consider yourselves thanked from us...we truly appreciate all you do seen and unseen.

Sweet hostess gift of lemon mint...one of my favorite things to  receive...thanks, Sue!

Our Salad Social Menu
for 30
5 bags of greens mix for each jar (we used 3)
Garlic bread sticks (from a can, roll in butter, and parmesan cheese, sprinkle with garlic salt)
we used 4 rolls
Fruit, Pepperidge Farm cookies, and Banana Pudding for dessert
Wine, both red and white, water, sweet tea, and a bottle of vodka for the bar

For more photos of historic Quarters One and the Salad Bar Social look for us on Facebook
(www.facebook.com/QuartersOne)

'Til next time...
Duty First!!

The Big Red (White and Blue) One

I love the 4th of July, the One day everyone shares the same team colors and celebrates the same big win! Happy and fun, from small town parades to big city celebrations, pretty much everyone celebrates the 4th the same way. I'm not sure we can say that about any other holiday on our American calendar. Bill and I almost had our first date on the 4th of July but he was delayed on an Army exercise and we ended up going out the following evening, July 5, 1981. Wow...and I digress, as usual!

(Another Pinterest photo, I'm going to do this someday....)

I'm very proud of the United States of America, proud to be a citizen, proud of what we stand for. In celebration of the day I want to share the following with you. It is a letter to the editor of the Savannah newspaper written by my brother-in-law in 2003 shortly after Bill jumped into Northern Iraq with the 173d Airborne Brigade.

Each of us has chance to display our heroism

There was a wonderful commentary in the April 14 Morning News by Carol Megathlin, "Tell your men, Col. Mayville, that we are proud of them." It was wonderful and very appropriate.

I am sure Ms. Megathlin had no idea that Col. Mayville has a brother here in Savannah. I am his younger brother by one year, and we are very close. I am extremely proud of my big brother, but it never occurred to me that anyone else knew of him or his remarkable men.

We hear stories every day on the news about acts of incredible heroism by the young men and women in uniform. Pfc. Jessica Lynch is truly a hero, so are the men who rescued her. We now know that seven new heroes are on their way home -- they were once POWs.

I watched our American soldiers rescue an Iraqi woman on a bridge during a fire fight. There are countless other stories we have heard. But for so many others, we have not heard their stories of heroism. I knew about my brother and I am happy that Ms. Megathlin wrote her commentary. I thank her.

Let me speak, though, for my brother. He would tell you the same thing that Pfc. Lynch or any of the freed POWs will say. He may be a hero to all of us, but he sees himself as a normal American.

He would say that within each of us back home is some great act of heroism that will someday be called upon. Don't miss the call. Go give blood, sign your organ donor card, become a volunteer firefighter, pick up a hammer and spend time on Habitat for Humanity.

Could you help the stranded motorist or buy a raffle ticket for the school? Do your job and then help a neighbor. These are the things a hero would do. And my brother would say that this is just normal.

Bill is my hero.

CHRISTOPHER MAYVILLE

(1961-2012)

Savannah

(Thank you, MANning the Homefront, for posting this so I could borrow it)

Find a way to be a hero today and every day.
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." ~JFK

I am grateful to those who fought for and continue to fight for the Freedoms we enjoy. I am grateful to those who take those Freedoms and make our Nation a better place.

Happy Independence Day

"Happy Birthday Cupcake"

The past few days all of Fort Riley celebrated Victory Week. Most divisions have a time that they celebrate their heritage and it's usually somewhere around the Army's Birthday which is June 14...Flag Day.  At Fort  Riley the week is full of athletic competitions, dinners, ceremonies, and remembrances for those Soldiers who have made the ultimate sacrifice.  Fort Riley knows how to do it right, first class.  I was honored to have been able to attend so many events and to meet Chris Daughtry when he kicked off the week with a concert Sunday night.

Back stage with Daughtry

The week culminated today, June 14, with a big cake cutting celebration to honor both the Army and the Big Red One.  The division also celebrated downrange in Afghanistan.

DCSM Charles Sasser and Bill cutting the Army and BRO's birthday cake in Afghanistan with the youngest Soldier in the headquarters!
This picture came from the 1ID Facebook page

June 14 has an extra special meaning for our family because it is also the birthday of our daughter, Margie, our sweet Flag Day baby.

Her first Flag Day!

It's a day of joy for many reasons but I am oddly weepy and melancholy.  I can't shake it and I feel so frustrated that I feel this way. But, quite frankly, I'm tired of spending celebrations alone. Our sons' birthdays are coming up in a few weeks as is our 28th wedding anniversary.  All this happiness makes me sad! I'm sure every spouse of a deployed Soldier, regardless of rank, feels this way. I know I'm not the only one.
I lamented this fact to my friends, Beth and Polly (two of my sister GO wives), on the ride home from the last ceremony this morning. We all agreed that so much celebrating made us feel more cognizant of the miles between us and our spouses.
After a moment of silence and reflection my sweet friend, Polly, the spouse of our British Brigadier, posed a question. In her beautiful, soft British accent that sounds like sparkles and sweet tea she asked,
"So what are you going to do to change the way you feel today?"
At first I thought she may be asking for advice but then I realized it was more of an offering of advice. What was I going to do to change the way I felt? In reality, only I have the power to control that.
So I reminded myself that I was blessed to celebrate the Army's 237th Birthday, the 1 ID's 95th,  and all that it means for our great nation and those of us fortunate to live here. I reminded myself how blessed we are to have three beautiful children, a loving family, and a community of good friends. I reminded myself that Bill is, in fact, coming home one day when so many others are not. I also reminded myself that it's ok to be a little sad amongst the celebrations...it serves as a reminder that you truly love the one you miss.
 ...thank you for that, too, Polly!
So, I end the day happier than I began.  Maybe it's the words of wisdom from a friend. Maybe it's even the celebrations, big and small, that remind us that life is worth living it everyday...but maybe, just maybe, it's the cupcakes?!

"Happy Birthday Cupcake" from the Gatherings on the Prairie, designed by Rob Dudley. I love to give these in lieu of cards for birthdays.
Happy Birthday, Margie!

  Til next time...
DUTY FIRST!

The House Kitchen

 I talked a little about the kitchen at Quarters One in my last post and, in keeping with my original intent of the blog which was to tour these historic quarters, I've written a little more about the kitchen and adjacent mudroom.

NOT the kitchen at Quarters One, but, my dream kitchen instead, a photo found on Pinterest!

Our family has endured some pretty interesting kitchens living in military quarters. One had a view of the shopette, one was so narrow you couldn't open the refrigerator door all the way, another had unstoppable mice, and several didn't have dishwashers or air conditioning.  

But, kitchen life changed dramatically when we moved into Quarters One!

The kitchen was originally built with a butler's pantry, I'm sure it had cool stone or wood floors. In 1935 the butler's pantry was removed and the kitchen expanded to the depth of the house.  At some point, some very unattractive lighting, flooring, and cabinetry was installed.  It's really a professional
kitchen meant for entertaining and not cozy family living like the one pictured above.  It has two of everything, except the wine cooler and ice maker. In addition, there are 2 refrigerators and a freezer in the basement! It was certainly put to much better use when Candice was here. I'm afraid I don't quite do it justice.  When we are entertaining I usually don't let anyone in the kitchen because I don't like for people to see a mess...when the doors are shut it means do not enter! So here's a rare glimpse of a clean kitchen... I've included the sweet little mudroom adjacent to the kitchen, too.

Before Candice deployed she kept the food belonging to Q1 in the left fridge and we used the right.
When items are purchased with protocol funds, they have to be kept separated.

This view of the kitchen, with a double sink, looks onto the back patio and used to be the butler's pantry.

The kitchen window over the original sink is shady but has a beautiful view.

Viking oven and Falk Copper Pots from Belgium that I mentioned in my last post. Here is the original sink with a window that looks out toward St. Mary's chapel.  This is also where items belonging to Q1 were kept. Empty cabinets now. It makes me kind of sad!

Standing in what was the butler's pantry, the door to the kitchen was just at the end of this island. We often sit here and eat breakfast.  I made long panel curtains for the window to try to warm up the large space a bit.  When we entertained,  Candice and her team would set up a large, portable work table in the space. I still do that when I entertain, it makes preparations so much easier.

    

There is a ceramic stove top on the left I have never used! Why would I with a cool Viking?

More counter space! The steps in the back were once for the servants to move easily and unseen
from the basement to the fourth floor.

I had the opportunity to meet Paula Deen a few years ago!

Adjacent to the kitchen is a mudroom probably once used for deliveries and for workers to come and go from Quarters One.  It was built sometime after 1887 as evidenced by the exterior limestone wall which is now an interior wall. I would imagine it was added around the same time the kitchen was expanded. It was so sweet I just had to decorate it. Since this is the way we sometmes enter the house it makes us feel welcome!

A bright sunny spot that says "Welcome Home"!

A pot of oregano makes the little mudroom smell so fresh!

This bench from Germany was made from an antique quarter bed.

Of course, I had to add a chandelier no room is complete to me without one!

Over the door leading to the patio, another souvenir from Germany!


Thank you for reading and if you're interested in more history and happenings at Quarters One, please follow us on our Quarters One Facebook page.
(www.facebook.com/QuartersOne)
And until next time....
Duty First!

The Inner Circle

Without a doubt it is a privilege to be selected to command a Division in the United States Army. It is a position reserved for those Officers who have been promoted to Major General, commonly referred to as simply "2 star".

Commanding General's Mounted Color Guard at the Division Change of Command May 2011

Along with the job of division commander comes several important positions that make up the personal staff of the commanding general. Bill is fortunate to have been able to hand pick those Soldiers. Two of those positions, in particular, are his Aide de Camp and his Enlisted Aid.  At the 2 star level the Aide de Camp is a seasoned or senior CPT and the Enlisted Aid is most likey a SGT (Sergeant) or SSG (Staff Sergeant). The Enlisted Aid is generally in the culinary field and may or may not have had Enlisted Aid schooling. Yes, there is such a thing!  Both positions are voluntary, interviews are required, and the commander makes his selection based on personality and qualifications.  

Bill's Aide de Camp, Will, is a tall, good looking guy with a quick smile that makes those around him smile too. An Army brat with a deep southern drawl he reminds me of my own Army sons.   The job of the Aide de Camp (in my own words) is to be a jack of all trades. He knows where the general should be, when he should be there, and what uniform he should be in.  He can pull a pair of glasses, cover, pen, speech, or schedule out of nowhere. There are a hundred other things he does as well and he makes it all happen without any seams.  You can always spot the Aide de Camp...he's the young guy with the back pack following closely behind the GO.

Bill, DCSM, and Will

Bill's Enlisted Aid is a Staff Sergeant.  Candice is (speaking like a mom here) a cute, smart, and funny young lady from South Carolina.  This is something we have in common as I am also from the same great state.  In addition to being a Soldier, she was professionally trained in culinary arts at Johnson and Wales and the University of South Carolina. I have no doubt she can wield a gun as easily as she wields her very cool set of chef's knives.  AND, as if that wasn't a full plate, she's an Army spouse, too.

I don't see Will everyday, but I do see Candice everyday.  It's something you have to get used to when your home is someone's place of duty.  She has an office at Quarters One and spends a lot of her time in our very large kitchen...which (and I'm sure she's weary of hearing me say) I call a hers and hers kitchen because of its size and set up!

A Viking gas oven is adorned with my beloved Falk copper pots from Belgium, I was happy to win Candice's approval of these!

The professional kitchen at Quarters One has two of everything, great for entertaining!

The duties of the Enlisted Aid are vast and among them include managing the entertainment portion of the general's quarters and overseeing the formal entertaining.  Relationships between the Enlisted Aid and the general's spouse can be very tricky. In a bad situation you tolerate each other but in an ideal situation you become like family. Besides going over the official rules together we also laid the groundwork for our own relationship.  We call each other by our first names and we often start the day with coffee and discuss business. I always consult with her on every aspect of the goings on at Quarters One. She is good at telling me when enough is enough and always ready with a compliment for the millionth time I've moved something around. I value both her professional opinion and her friendship. She takes no orders from me but I believe we work together with mutual respect.  I used to laugh and tell people she was my best friend... I spend more time with her than anyone else during my day!

Coffee served in the dining room with my favorite Big Red One cups!

When we entertain at Quarters One Candice puts together a great culinary team which always includes Will. Without exception her team is talented and first class. While guests enjoy the fruits of the team's labor they don't know what's going on in the kitchen.  I know that there is precise teamwork along with an easy bantering and camaraderie... I often wish I were in there instead of in the dining room.  Will and Candice, although always strictly professional, have become part of our family. They adhere to a strict code of silence regarding our personal lives and I always feel that I can speak freely among them.

Sturgis Field through my favorite chandelier that would not be hanging in Quarters One if not for Candice!

Will and Candice deployed with the Division in April.  Their jobs go where the Commander's job goes.  I am alone to manage Quarters One. Nothing gets done as well or as quickly. I miss morning coffee, Candice calling everything "crazy" in a way only her South Carolina accent can pronounce.  I miss the little group I have come to adore as if they were my own children. I pray for them daily and I am grateful for their dedication and continued service to our country .

 Things will never be the same at Quarters One again for the Mayville Family. When the Division returns it will be time for Will to take another job and for us to move again. If we are fortunate, we may be able to cross paths with Candice again.
I am richer for having known them and I am forever grateful for the care they take of my husband while he leads the 1st Infantry Division. His job could not be done as well without them.

 Follow Quarters One on Facebook
(www.facebook.com/QuartersOne)
 and until next time...

Duty first!

Asolare

Packed and ready to go...again

Ahh, another deployment... 4 weeks down already.  The past few weeks have been busy but right now, at Quarters One, it's quiet.  I'm alone, except for our dog who guards me diligently as she has for each separation.  At this moment, the year ahead seems too long to tackle.  I can't believe we're beginning our 5th year-long deployment.  Our boys, now Soldiers themselves, graduated from high school during deployments 1 and 2. Our daughter went off to college during 3 and I bought our first house during 4.  Andrew graduated from Ranger school and Margie will graduate from college during 5.  Somewhere in those years, once overlapping with his father,
 our oldest son, Chas, deployed twice.

Bill visiting Chas in Nuristan, Afghanistan

My dear friend, Melissa, tells me I'm sighing a lot without even realizing it.  I wonder why? Could it be that I am settling back into that other life? Last week my husband told me it felt normal to be deployed and I, sadly, had to agree.  Neither of us like the feeling but unfortunately it was easy to slip back into our separate lives...back to a normal that is uncomfortable and ill-fitting. I didn't marry my best friend like some say. I married a good looking young LT that I was madly in love with and, over the years, he has become my best friend. 

 I'm sad and I miss this man with all my being.

Bill and I always have our picture taken on this spot every time we return to West Point.

"Asolare" a strange and little used Italian word coined by the poet Cardinal Pietro Bembo in the 15th century. Used to describe the life of exiled Cyprus Queen Catarina Cornaro, the word translates "to live in bittersweet exile".  I first learned this word when we lived in Italy and I visited the romantic town of Asolo where Catarina lived out her life in "asolare".  Living in bittersweet exile.  I felt that way in Italy during deployments 1 and 2 and I feel that way now.  Fort Riley is an amazing and warm community.  I am surrounded by wonderful neighbors, who have also become my dear friends.  I live in beautiful quarters...and those gifts are the sweet part. But, I am also far away from my children and  family on the East Coast, my home at the shore, the one I love most.... and that is the bitter part.
Asolare.

Seems like there's always someone missing in an Army family's photos, this year it was our son, Andrew.

I'm often asked by friends and family not in the military how I endure these separations. I explain that I just do, there's no plan B or acceptable alternative. To me I have no other option but to be strong and move forward, calling on faith, family, and friends for support. I believe that is my duty to hold down the home front and preserve the life here that my husband entrusted to me when he went to war. It's my duty to keep his place in our lives safe and ready for his return. I never sleep on his side of the bed or use his closet space (even though I'm sure he has more than me). I never sit in his favorite chair to watch tv (although I do happily wield the remote at will). His reading glasses and books are still where he left them ready to be picked up again. I preserve his physical "space" in my life, our life, so that he knows it still belongs to him when he redeploys. 
Living this way I have found that it is easier when he comes home to be released from "asolare" and return back to a life that is truly normal.

Til next time...Duty First